


A Not So Furry Problem

by distantdreaming



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Depression, F/M, Fluff, Hogwarts, M/M, Marauders, Quidditch, Self-Harm, in which Peter is sort of hated, tags will be added as needed, werewolf shenanigans
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-25
Updated: 2014-10-01
Packaged: 2017-12-30 10:07:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1017320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/distantdreaming/pseuds/distantdreaming
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remus Lupin is a strange boy with rather luminous eyes and an affinity for books, proper sentences with grammar and punctuation in all the right places, and a small obsession with chocolate.</p><p>Sirius Black is a cocky, arrogant, devilishly handsome prankster who isn't quite as bad as he likes to make himself seem. </p><p>Add the rest of the Marauders, love, learning, friendship, and a dash of insanity and shake well for best results.<br/>--<br/>Hiatus from hell until the 40k+ PJO fic is done, minimum. Likely to be taken down and rewritten.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prolouge

**John Lupin** was familiar with heartbreak. Very familiar. His sister was born mental unstable, and killed herself when she was 24. He was 28. His mother died of her own disease when he was 30. His wife died by the very same attack that forever demonized his only son. Yes, John Lupin knew heartbreak very well.

He did not deal with it nearly so safely as he should’ve.

There are times, rare and far and few in between his numb, where he regrets what he does. But…it’s his son’s fault that she’s gone.His son’s fault he feels so much  _pain._

So he drinks to ease his mind, drinks to not feel. But it’s not enough, it’s never enough. And in his haze, he lashes out, needs his son to feel the very same pain that eats away at his very being…so he uses silver…and his hands, and knives, and he locks that monster in the basement when it comes to life, when it takes it’s true form instead of masquerading as a little boy.

***

 **Remus Lupin** knows why his father is the way he is. He was six when he was bitten, long enough to know his mother and know his father’s story. He knows why he is treated as he is…and though he hates it, he will not fight. He understands…he deserves this. Half his life…over that, he has been a dark creature, a monster, a terrible thing.

So he tries to hide, to stay away, to keep to the shadows of his father’s mind and make sure he is a little of a burden as he can be. He hides with his books and he hides himself.

***

 **Walburga Black** doesn’t understand why one of her sons had to be…defective. Regulus…darling Regulus is her pride, her baby. He is the perfect son she never got in her firstborn. And she can not have the estate go to that ungrateful disgrace.

So she just needed to find a way to…remove him, before she and her husband died. So that her youngest, her prodigy would take The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black.

***

 **Sirius Black** hates his family. He really does. His mother’s a purist bitch, his cousins are evil, his father is a pretensions prat, and the only pureblood families he knows that aren’t made of of ridiculously pompous  _idiots_ are the Potters, Weasleys, and Longbottoms. Maybe there’s more, but his parents don’t shut up about those three.

He knows his mother hates him. He knows she plans to kill him before he inherits anything. If it’s one thing he isn’t, it’s stupid.So he figures, might as well go out with a bang. He’s doing he damned best to piss off his mother before he dies. Because, fuck it, you really only live once.

***

 **James Potter** loved his life. He loved being a pureblood, but didn’t mind muggleborns. After all, it wasn’t there fault an ancestor of theirs was a squib. Wasn’t there fault they were born to muggles. And it’s not like they were any less of a witch or wizard because of it. His entire family was magical though…it was wonderful to have such friendly house elves and so much magic around. He couldn’t wait for Hogwarts.

***

 **Peter Pettigrew** was poor. He was pure-blooded, but poor. His clothes were second-hand, his wand was his cousin’s, who died of some disease like…well, he forgot the name, but someone once told his it was the fact his cousin was dead because her parents were cousins.

His mother was a little bit crazy, and he stayed with her since his father was Merlin-knows-where in an attempt to pretend he hadn’t married his mother. Which went over fantastically with his mother’s side of the family. Peter didn’t like his family very much…so he tended to avoid them. He wanted a new family…and he wanted to be better than his nutty mother and stupid cousins. He wanted to be pure, strong,  _respected…_ even feared. He just didn’t want to be pitied as the pathetic Pettigrew boy any longer. Yes, he would no longer be the disgracing family heir to a disgracing family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is only the Proulouge, and the chapters don't start off much longer, but will hopefully begin to grow. Noting of triggers, which will be clearly forewarned in the summaries before the chapters they appear in. Will actually be rather fluffy once the ball gets rolling.


	2. Remus, Year One, Part One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus's first day isn't actually all that bad.

Remus stares at the long scarlet express train, shivering in the September air that’s just cold enough to keep his thin form chilled. He’s alone, save his trunk, standing on the platform surrounded by people and yet so utterly alone.

And he hears the conductors calling for luggage, ushering children and teens onto the train to find seats. And he knows he’ll have to sit in a compartment with others, and he knows he’ll be invisible again. 

Because he knows it’s better that way. It’s easier to hide in plain sight than to make friends and keep more than half of himself hidden away. The half of him that isn’t him and the scars that cover him from head to toe, the three long lines that mar his face only a minor, insignificant marking compared to the rest of his body. The huge, rippled bite scar on his chest, right near his heart, the clawed, self-inflicted marks all over when a full moon passed. 

The conductor’s calls get more urgent, and he swallows, finally moving to effortlessly lift his suitcase and hand it to the luggage man, who seems shocked that such a small child would be holding the big bag over his head. Nevertheless, he takes it, and Remus reminds himself to watch his accidental enhances making themselves known. Things like that could get him killed, or worse. 

He climbs aboard straight after, not having anyone to greet or depart from, and slips neatly and silently between and around taller, older students in the halls until he finds an empty compartment. Working quickly, he snaps the blinds shut and closes the door, easily pushing his second bag above him after drawing out a text book. Safely guarded from view, and hopefully set for a journey by himself, he cracks it open as he sits. 

He’s halfway through the first chapter - they’re each about twenty pages of small font, double barred type - and lost in the history of Hogwarts, when there’s a sharp, but friendly rap on the door. Paling, he closes the book and stands, sliding it open a crack. Outside stands three boys, a mismatched group, two of which seem to already be friends and one who just stands in their shadows, meek. The boy standing just slightly in front of the other two gives him a wide grin. “Sorry to disturb you, but this is the last compartment left; all the others are full. Mind?”

Remus’s eyes trace the messy black hair, the warm hazel eyes, the energy that seems to surround him, and drift to the next boy. Taller, and downright pretty. Long-lashed grey eyes, equally messy and just slightly longer black, wavy locks; straight nose, high cheekbones. Pink, smirking lips, lightly arched brows. Remus looks away. 

The last boy is short, blonde, and wearing an expression of calculating innocence, which seemed an impossible oxymoron, but was the only description Remus could think of. He was chubby, almost ridiculously so for his size, and his watery blue eyes seemed to already be judging him over a pointed nose angled just slightly up. 

The entire evaluation took maybe a moment, and Remus stepped back. He didn’t have a choice, he’d scanned the hall; every other compartment was full. So he pushed the door wider and curled back in his seat, silent, watching as the three entered. 

"Thanks, you’re a real mate." The messy-haired boy grin, sprawling across from him. The tallest sits beside Remus in nothing short of a graceful lounge, and the pudgy boy takes the opposite seat with a frown. They’d slid their bags neatly overhead, and there was silence for a few moments.

Remus opened his book, eyes falling instantly to where he left off, losing track of the world around him just as quickly. He can hear conversation, but he ignores it in favor of turning the page. He’s so far gone in the history that he isn’t aware of the passing time or the darkening landscape that rushes by, at least until there’s a large bang. 

He’s too used to abrupt sounds in his home and his neighborhood, so he calmly finishes his paragraph, memorizes the page, and shuts the book. The tall boy has a hand over his mouth, quietly holding in laughter, the boy with messy hair isn’t making any sort of effort and is laughing madly, and the pudgy boy is near tears. He’s holding his wand, and the remains of what seems to be the very same copy of the textbook Remus has held against his chest, only it’s missing the right half.

"I thought for sure it would work!" He nearly wails, and the messy-haired boy laughs even harder, face red. The taller leans forward, elbows bracing on his knees, chin propped on a hand (and everything about him screams grace and aristocracy and Remus has never really felt so out of place sharing a seat with someone before as he does next to this Adonis of elegancy) as he speaks. "You know, you really shouldn’t have tried a spell you got from someone off the street."

It’s said with the arrogancy and judgement that clearly states how obvious that should’ve been, and the pudgy boy’s face flushes as he fumbles the book in his hands. “My mum’s going to murder me. What am I going to do?” He asks frantically. Remus, who had been watching quietly, takes pity on him and draws his wand from his sleeve, going unnoticed as he does. 

 _"Reparo,"_  He whispers, and the book reforms in the other’s hands, and he drops it in surprise. Remus is already calmly storing his wand away. 

The boys stare at him, and his cheeks turn pink. “Nicely done,” The taller boy comments lazily, and he nods slightly. There’s silence after that, and Remus slowly goes back to his reading, trying to pretend that doesn’t suddenly make it awkward. 

The conversation around him merely resumes after a moment, and he relaxes, only pausing to go change into his robes and return, just in time to arrive. 

The group and Remus make their way off of the scarlet express, trunks and bags and other assorted containers being taken by the conductors as they exit. 

They are ushered with the crowd towards a rather huge man, a heavy scruff and small beard matching his shoulder-length wild hair. His voice is booming and loud, and he leads them all onto boats. The four boys end up on the same one, simply by way of the crowd. Remus picks the far end, away from the lantern, not wanting the light on his face. The others are still chatting amiably - or, the raven-haired boys are, while the pudgy boy merely eavesdrops shamelessly - away and don’t seem to mind him at all, and he is content. Maybe school won’t be so bad, if everyone is like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know these chapters seem short...I write them on my iPad and they're a lot longer, and when I write on my phone it's even harder to judge. Will try to get them long, as that's how I prefer them myself. I'm updating up to where I have written, which is part three of his first year. Feedback is love.


	3. Remus, Year One, Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's almost a month into term, and Remus' first full moon at school has arrived.

It's the day of his first full moon at school. He doesn't know what the Sorting Hat saw in him, because he does not feel brave in the least. Only terrified. 

 

He cannot concentrate in any of his classes, but his professors don't give him any trouble, and for that he is grateful. They all know, of course, of his condition. 

 

It's his last class of the day, and he is very near a panic attack. His hands shake as he writes, ink blurring and splattering on the parchment until he can no longer even read it, nor remember the spell he needs to neaten it. He drops the quill after the end of the paragraph, near tears, pressing his palms against his eyes. He's in the very back of the classroom instead of his usual seat near the front, and he doesn't want to be seen. Not like this. 

 

He flinches when something brushes against his leg, and a moment later a hand is on his shoulder, and he calms slightly. It's the young Transfiguration professor, Ms. McGonagall. She must've gotten to the back of the room in cat form, because there are no murmurs around him. 

 

"Would you like to be excused?" She asks quietly, and he drops his hands, nodding, unable to speak. She only nods and gives his shoulder a light squeeze. "Go to Madame Pomfrey, then, dear." 

 

He gathers his things and sneaks out of the room, thankful the door is at the back, and shuts it carefully. He lets out a shaky breath, feeling sick, and begins to walk to the Hospital Wing. 

 

He doesn't make it. Instead he's interrupted and stopped by a group of Slytherins in the hall on the way there. They're talking and smoking on one of the hidden balconies, and he knows they spot him when they start calling after him. 

 

"Hey! Kid! We're you going? Isn't it a bit early for class to end?" A male voice. It's taunting. Remus swallows, and keeps walking. He doesn't speed up, though he wants to. But that means he'll have heard them. 

 

"Kid! _Kid!"_  It was the same voice. Still, Remus didn't speed up. He was wishing he knew the castle better, knew were the secret passages he's seen and heard of people using, knew a way to escape. The steps got closer. 

 

Giving up all pretenses, Remus breaks into a run, enhanced speed keeping him ahead of the Slytherin, though his legs are shorter and the others have joined the chase. Remus's eyes grow wide as he runs, and at least he's close to the Hospital Wing. 

 

They give up partway there, but Remus doesn't stop, breathing quickly from panic rather than exertion. He reaches the doors in something close to a panic attack, shaking slightly and near tears. He doesn't understand why they insist on chasing him or bullying him or whatever the choice of the day is. 

 

He swallows and pushes the door open, slipping inside the wing and letting it shut behind him. He's still shaking, try as he might to hide it, and Madam Pomfrey is by his side in seconds and guiding him to his private room for the next thirty or so hours (though admittedly he'll likely spend twelve of them in a safer place). He just doesn't want to hurt anyone. He's terrified. 

 

The nurse is soothing, though, tucking him in neatly and calling a house elf who returns seconds later with a warm cup of tea. He's still trembling a little, but the tea calms most of his nerves. He closes his eyes, already trusting the nurse. 

 

He'd met her before he'd even gotten a foot on the grounds, as Professor Dumbledore and Madame Pomfrey had both come to meet him and discuss arrangements with him and his (actually sober) father. He liked her. She was nice, and treated him only like she does every other little boy, as far as he's seen. And she actually cares, which is weird, but...nice. 

 

He finishes the tea and curls up, exhausted, closing his eyes. It's not long before he nods off entirely. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sort of rushing through his first year and I'm really not all that sorry because the fun stuff is when he's older. I'm setting up the basis. I put a hint of the Slytherins, but I didn't want a lot of details as I'm going to really expand on all of it later.


	4. Remus, Year One, Part Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Closing of his first year, Remus grows a little closer to our favorite raven-haired pranksters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god I suck it's been ages

He wakes up in pain.   
   
It's the dull ache that sets in those last few hours before a full moon, but it's more intense today because of how stressed he'd been all month. The wolf was restless inside of him, and clawing at the walls in his mind, which were thinning with every minute that passed.   
   
He opened his eyes and sat up, awake and alert, knowing he wouldn't sleep tonight. Madame Pomfrey was folding up blankets and shrinking them before poking them into the pockets of her robes, and gave him a smile when she saw that he was awake.  
   
"We're going to take a walk when Professor Dumbledore gets here." She told him, tone soothing. He nodded, balling up and pulling the sheets around his shoulders. He's a little worried about walking so close to his time, so close to the time the moon's high enough to Change him, but he trusts Dumbledore. He has to.   
   
It isn't a long wait, fifteen minutes at most, and then he's walking between the tall, spindly professor and the maternal nurse. He doesn't talk much, merely listens as Dumbledore explains about the willow tree he had planted and the shack he would be using to Change.   
   
It's a long walk down a tunnel that has Dumbledore bent double and Madam Pomfrey nearly there. Remus's hair brushes the roof. It opens into the neatly wooden room, where a plush sofa sits against the wall, and a sturdy dresser leans against the other. Stairs lead up into darkness on the far corner.   
   
"This is where you'll stay for the night, Remus." Dumbledore settles a hand on his shoulder. "Upstairs is a bedroom that you can rest in afterwards, if you are finished when we return at dawn."   
   
Remus nods up at him, gaze a bit too wide, and surveys the room. The wolf is restless in his mind, sensing the enclosed space. Outwardly, he shows no signs of change, but a cold wave of panic washes over him and his nerves fray just a bit further. He won't last much longer. He tells them so, hesitant, but only receives a warm grin from each, a parting squeeze of his shoulder from Dumbledore and a hug and a kiss on the forehead from Madam Pomfrey.   
   
And then he's alone, so alone, and sitting on the floor in the middle of the room. And he starts to cry, tears rolling free as the pain intensifies and builds until it's blinding, and he blacks out as the wolf takes over.   
   
***  
   
He wakes in the morning to a soothing hand in his hair and the fresh burn and sting of deep cuts and bruises of all shapes. It hurts, a lot, but it's nothing that he isn't used to. He isn't used to the comfort, though, or the blanket he can feel laid over him, and his eyes open in surprise. It's Madam Pomfrey, who gives him a sad smile.  
   
"Morning, Remus. I have a clean set of robes for you, when you're ready. You can either come with me back to the hospital wing for the day, or to your own room. It's your choice. You've already been excused from your classes." Her tone is warm and even, and Remus relaxes, nodding a little and sitting up.   
   
The next hour is spent healing the cuts and bruises up as best as possible, though since they're werewolf-inflicted the best the nurse can do is fade the bruises and close the cuts. They will scar, though. They will always scar.  
   
And then he's being led back to the castle, and declining an offer of the wing as he just doesn't like being around people he doesn't know that well and it's more than possible other students will be there. He chooses instead to walk alone back to the tower, musing.   
   
His roommates are the boys he shared the compartment with. There's James Potter, the bespectacled boy, who's loud and funny and friendly; Sirius Black, the tallest, who's almost louder and funnier but a lot less friendly and a lot more flirty (which startles Remus every time it happens nearby); and lastly, Peter Pettigrew, who is quiet and secretive and much prefers to watch and observe than to act on his own. He takes James' and Sirius' - who have become the best of mates - side in any and all of the random fights and debates the two start, and they always win. Remus isn't quite sure what to make of Peter, because Peter's watery blue eyes are studying him intently more often then not and it makes Remus' anxiety spike. He's taken to spending an excessive amount of time in the library, which is the one place Peter is almost never found, despite the fact that both Sirius and James will pop up almost daily for some book or another on a ridiculous topic totally and completely unrelated to any classes they have.   
   
Remus himself is slowly working his way through the entire library, reading almost constantly and sleeping when he isn't. He's consistently surprised and amazed by the magic around him, for even though he's a half-blood, he hasn't been around magic since his mum died when he was six (which he tries not to think about, because it just makes him sad and gloomy for days on end and he doesn't get anything productive done). So he reads and reads and reads everything he encounters, determined to know everything there is to know about magic.   
   
He's almost at the tower, and he's successfully avoided encountering anyone. Until now. He hears voices, and stiffens, but continues to walk. He wants to sleep, and he isn't going to let a few randoms stop him from doing so, and he can probably outrun anyone even in his exhausted and beat-up state if he absolutely had to.   
   
Only, it's not random students, but Sirius and James, who are crouched together in an alcove and talking quietly. Remus relaxes only slightly, tensing immediately afterwards when Sirius loudly whispers his name in a delighted tone. He continues to walk, only to have a tall, raven-haired companion on either side in moments.  
   
"Remus! We didn't see you at dinner yesterday, and you didn't even come back to sleep!" Sirius' tone is somewhere between a pout and a whine, but the corners of his lips are twitching with a grin and Remus can't take him seriously. "We thought you'd died!" Not even remotely seriously. And if he brought it up, the other would only make a very bad pun and laugh for the next five minutes while James punched him in the arm.   
   
Normally, he wouldn't bother responding, and he'd walk faster until they gave up following him, but James and Sirius are different. He isn't quite sure why, but they are. So he sighs. "I was ill. I went to the Hospital Wing. Just left, on my way back. Tired." He explains quietly, and Sirius nods.   
   
James, on Remus's other side, makes a face. "Terrible luck, mate. Dinner was excellent. I swear, those elves cook better every day."  
   
Sirius is nodding sagely when Remus glances back over, and Remus gives in with a resigned grin that earns matching beams from either side. The two make it their mission to get everyone they like to laugh and smile as much as possible, and it's a trait Remus enjoys maybe a little too much. He's normally content to just wallow and exist, but between James and Sirius he's prone to laughter at his own sense of humor coming alive.   
   
The two taller boys chat aimlessly over his head as they walk, Remus occasionally tossing in an inputting comment or three when he wants to, but mostly preferring to listen and laugh. It makes the walk go by faster, and he doesn't even question why they're not in class or what they were doing in that alcove. Knowing the two of them, it's probably best he didn't know anyways. Plausible deniability, and all.   
   
***  
   
The year flies by quickly, with Remus simply convincing them that he's just ill a lot and sickly, so he's always got some illness or another plaguing him. The others seem to take the monthly on-the-dot Hospital Wing visits as coincidence for the most part, though Remus will occasionally feel Peter's gaze heavily boring into him. He does his best to ignore it.   
   
Holidays are a blur as Sirius elects to stay behind with Remus at Hogwarts, and the two of them spend their time charming Christmas decorations to do wacky things such as change colors periodically or filling in the gaps in the knight's carols with interesting noises and sounds of jungle animals. It's more fun than Remus can ever remember having, and his face is a constant shade of pink from laughing, cheeks aching from smiling so much.   
   
And then it's school again and James is amazed when Remus begins to help with his and Sirius' crazy pranks, usually finding ways to help them work even better and get them caught a lot less often. Remus himself isn't caught at all.   
   
Classes are easy and fun for Remus, even potions, which he admits is harder than he'd initially though it would be. Thankfully, he sits next to Lily Evans, a sweet and fiery redheaded girl who doesn't mind helping him in the least. They're sort of friends, and often study together, though he's no where near as close with her as he is James and Sirius. He still quite enjoys her company, though.   
   
The train ride back is even fun, though it's bittersweet. He waves goodbye to everyone and exits the platform alone once he knows none of them can see, walking to where his father is waiting in the car, cigarette smoke tainting the air with a pungent gray cloud. Remus gets in without a word, and they drive away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Right so basically I didn't realize I had more of this written?? Oops. I actually have a few chapters after this, and I'm sorry! Will post if asked, tbh.


	5. Remus - Year Two, Part One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At least it's not, like, a month apart...

He gets back on the scarlet express exhausted, bruises throbbing all over his body and a brilliantly purplish black and green bruise blossoming over one cheekbone and hidden with a glamour spell. He's the first one out of the group and he grabs a compartment on the back of the train, shuts the curtains, and curls up in one of the seats with his eyes closed.   
   
It isn't long before the door slides open and there's a mumble of 'finally, Merlin' and then there's a weight on the seat next to Remus and the sounds of the others storing their things away. He stirs, blinking his eyes open to the others settling in, Sirius already lounging by his side.   
   
He gives only a tired wave before settling back almost asleep against the window. The others, for their part, try to keep quieter so that he can rest - but, being twelve-year-old boys who haven't seen each other in three months and are finally going back to a place that for three out of four is better than home in tenfold, it's hard. They aren't all that successful.   
   
Sighing, Remus sits up and runs a hand through his hair as he yawns, giving a tired grin to a slightly-guilty three boys about an hour into the ride. "What'd I miss?" He asks, arms dropping, not risking a stretch in such close quarters without the thick glamours and potions he usually applies (the ones on his face are done by his dad, and he'll reinforce them when he gets to school).  
   
"Not much. Black's family is completely mad, Pettigrew's is boring, and mine were great." James answers brightly, either missing or ignoring Peter's affronted look and Sirius's souring expression. Remus nods slowly, absently touching Sirius's shoulder, thumb rubbing a circle for a moment before removing it.   
   
Sirius's expression was calm again.   
   
"So, somewhat the same as last year?" Remus asked, grinning slightly, and James nodded.   
   
~  
   
It's strange to watch the sorting, remembering how it had felt to be sorted himself the previous year. The absolute terror once he realized the hat could talk and it would see inside his head and what if it announced his secret?  
   
The students this year look just as small and scared as Remus is sure he himself looked. It passes quickly, though, the numbers dwindling down until Zabek, Darla is a Hufflepuff, and the feast begins.   
   
Remus doesn't reach for much, choosing a small portion of soup, because the bruise makes it hurt to chew and he isn't all that hungry regardless. The talk mostly goes over his head, but he doesn't mind. He just enjoys their voices, and sips slowly at the soup.   
   
It doesn't much last, though, because Sirius is as always incredibly observant and he comments on it. "Hey, you alright, mate?"  
   
Remus nods over his next spoonful. "M'fine. Tired. Packed late."  
   
Sirius doesn't quite look like he believes that, but he lets it go. "Yeah, I know the feeling. But at least it's Hogwarts!" He grins hugely, and Remus can't help but to return it.   
   
***  
   
Classes are harder this year, and Remus likes the challenge. Last year was introductions, waving your wand properly and speaking clearly and cutting your ingredients up the right way in potions, but this year is when they can really start to learn something.   
   
His professors are pleased with his work, and he always gets approving nods when he turns in his essays and performs the spells he's taught.   
   
Sadly, though, he remains absolutely terrible in potions.   
   
It seems no matter what he tries to do, he can't seem to get them to turn out right. He isn't missing ingredients or adding them in the wrong order (he's almost obsessively by the book) but he just can't get them right. It's maddening, and by the end of the first month of the year it's his least favorite subject and class. 

 

He's brilliant in DADA, good at Charms, decently above average in Transfiguration, alright at Herbology, absolutely perfect at Astronomy (he hates it, though, the bloody moon looming above him), great at History of Magic, but pathetically horrible in Potions. The Slytherins who hate him in Charms and Transfiguration laugh at him in Potions, but he tries to ignore it. Thankfully Sirius, who lacks patience in everything else, will calmly work with him every class so together they can manage a decent potion to turn in.   
   
Altogether, the year is going smooth aside from Potions, an he is closer than ever with his friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, guys, I'm going to be blunt; I am awful at updating. This was the last chapter I had written. I don't keep faith in my fics long enough, so to help me write, go ahead and tell me in your review what parts you liked. Be detailed, if possible, please? Like, sense of humor for Remus, the drabble year progression, whatever. I don't have a plan for this and therefore I have no idea what to write next. Thanks, sorry :I


	6. Remus - Year Two, Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh, I'm a mess right now, searching for a sweet surrender, but this is not the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary from Ed Sheeran's I'm A Mess.

It's midway through the year and already Remus's excuses are running thin.  

He'd never intended to get this close to anyone, never intended to find not only friends, but friends who genuinely care for him and his wellbeing. It's weird and he still doesn't quite believe it's real life, nor can he let himself relax completely despite how much he wants to just give in and trust them.  

It hurts.  

It hurts when he has to tell them his mum's sick and getting worse each month and he has to go back because each time could be the last. It hurts because when he was six and got bitten, she's gotten mauled and each time he was allowed in the hospital room to see her, it was to her getting worse and worse until she died with her hand in both of his and a loving smile still on her beautiful face. It hurst because now it's him getting worse and worse, more powerful and bigger each month as he grows older, transformations more painful and draining.  

And he hates to lie, he really does, but what else can he do? He's certainly not going to slip it casually into conversation ("Yeah, James, Lily's great, by the way I'm a werewolf!") or anything, he absolutely can't have them know. A part of him just kind of wants to let it slip, though, let them find out. Get it over with, so he doesn't have this _pressure_ on him, pressing on his shoulders and building the anxiety in his chest until he feels like he can't breathe. He'll be alone, sure, but he won't have this guilt and this worry beating through him with every pulse. It's tearing at his heart and his mind, and he feels like he's hiding half of himself (the wolf in his head growls because he _is,_ he _is,_  and it's a part of him he wishes never existed but it _does_ and no one can ever know).

This is where Sirius find him, curled in the corner of the room in the space between his bed and the wall, head on his knees and shoulders shaking as he holds back the need to _scream_ (howl).

"Mate? You alright?" It's a touch to his shoulder and Sirius's soft tone that starts him out of his head, wide eyes meeting a concerned expression.

"U-um, y-yeah," Remus manages, and he cringes, because he lies easier than breathing most of the time and here he is stumbling over two (it should have been _one)_ simple words. But, maybe this is good. He can pretend he's a terrible liar, and they'll never suspect him when he's actually lying through his teeth every hour of every day in saying he isn't a monster, he's just a normal boy.

The thoughts make him sick, make his stomach churn and his head feel way too light for his shoulders, so he leans it against the wall and tries to remember how to breathe. Sirius is still crouched in front of him, and he presses a cool palm to Remus's forehead. "You're warm, but you don't feel feverish, just...red." He mumbles.

Remus's cheeks grow even brighter and he bats the hand away. "I'm f-fine, just drop it." He snaps, completely ineffectively judging by the unchanged expression on the taller boy's face.

"Let's skiv off of Potions, yeah?" Sirius offers, grinning. They're both aware Remus is shit at the class, and Sirius could probably pass it in his sleep if he chose.

"Okay." Remus relents, relaxing a little, unable to say no when he doesn't even want to move from the corner.

They're interrupted when James throws himself over Remus's bed, holding his glasses on at the last second as he leans over them both. "Am I interrupting something?" He asks slyly, winking, promptly receiving a pillow in the face courtesy of Remus's immediate reflexes. Sirius is laughing and James curses loudly, casting a repairing charm on his glasses and pouting dramatically at both of them.

Peter is next to join, crawling over beside James and eyeing them all curiously. "What's going on? Why are you in the corner?"

Remus sighs, hugging the pillow as he relaxed, chin dropping on top. "I'm skipping and I like this corner, thank you very much." He replies tartly, though the venom isn't there.

Sirius grins hugely at them all. /"We're/ skipping, but you're gonna go and tell us what we missed." He corrected. "Off with you, peasants! You'll be late!" He speaks as if this is a great atrocity, like none of them have every arrived horribly late and breathless from laughter, and Remus can't hell but grin.

James whines. "That's not fair! I don't want to go sit in the smelly dungeons alone!"

"You're not alone, you have Pete." Remus reminds, amused. Before, Peter's expression had flashed hurt, and now he grins faintly at Remus until James's overdramatic voice cuts over them all.

"Fine! Pete's my only true friend, I see how it is! At least he'll stick by me! I thought what we had /meant/ something, Black!" James whacks the latter with Remus's other pillow, and Remus squawks in protest, and then they're all laughing. Finally, Sirius frees the pillow from James's grip and shoves him away, and he and Remus are left alone as James and Peter leave (loudly protesting on James' part) for class.

Then Remus climbs onto his bed, accepting both pillows to curl around, tired. Sirius joins him, and neither of them need to say anything. Unlike the way the teasing would go if it were anyone else but each other, naps are not childish or girlish. Instead, they're nice, and common when either of them is feeling upset. They don't talk, Sirius curling around the other side of the pillows, Remus's head resting on one somewhere near his stomach, and they fall asleep not quite touching but close enough to hear each other's breathing.

***

For a while longer, he manages.

It's not very nice, lying, but it's...he's handling it.

It isn't until right before the winter holidays that it happens.

And it isn't even one of the boys who figures it out, but Lily Evans and her best friend, James' and Sirius' sworn rival, Severus Snape.

It's a mumbled request for the work from Flitwick that delays him a moment too long after class, and Lily's curious and contemplative eyes boring into his back that does it. He tries to rush out the door, but Snape's hand on his arm jerks him to a stop in the hall, and he's tugged into an alcove.

"I know what you are," Snape growls, mouth twisted in a sneer that doesn't soften even with Lily's rushed appearance.

"Sev, let him go, you're being mean!" She insists, pulling the smaller boy's hand off of Remus's wrist.

Remus doesn't say anything for a moment, pressing to the wall."S-sorry? What I am? You mean...failing potions?" It's a horrible cover and it's very obviously so, judging by the even colder expression on Snape's face and Lily's sympathetic glance.

"I'm sorry, Lupin. We swear we won't tell anyone, but we were talking, and we figured it out, and...you must have paid a lot to keep the staff quiet!" Lily laughs awkwardly at the last part.

Remus swallows, trying to hold up his façade even though he can feel it crumbling under the combined stares. "I d-don't know what you mean." He manages, pale.

 _"Werewolf."_ Snape hisses, grinning a little sadistically at Remus's flinch.

"Bye," Remus squeaks, slipping and shoving past them both and _sprinting_ down the corridor, trying to remember how to breathe when it feels like the world is crashing down around him with every step he takes.

He slams into James when he turns the corner, both of them ending up sprawled painfully on the floor, much to Sirius's amusement. He offers a hand to both James and Remus, though, helping them up.

The laughter dies from his expression and the annoyance from James' when they both catch sight of Remus. Peter jogs up behind them, worried. "What's going on? Is everything okay? Blimey, Remus, you look like you've seen a ghost!"

He can't remember how to breathe, though, and the next thing Remus sees is black spots flooding over his vision, then....nothing.  

***

He wakes up in the Hospital Wing, sitting up slowly, confused.

Sirius's hands are on his shoulders before he even gets halfway upright, nudging him back against the pillows. "James, call Pomfrey."

"What...why am I here?" Remus asks, voice small and confused, realizing all three of his friends were sitting in chairs along the side of his bed (the feeling he gets from that is a warm ache in the center of his chest and he tries to ignore it).

"You fainted," Peter replies simply, tactlessly. "And they carried you up 'cause we couldn't wake you. You're not sick, are you?" His tone is worried, but his expression shows it's about if Remus is contagious, not if his health is good or not.

Remus laughs, unable to help it, and it's bitter. "No, I'm not sick." He replies, tone a little colder than he'd meant it to be. He can feel Sirius's gaze burning into him and he can't bring himself to meet it. "I'm just...I was stressed. Sorry. Won't happen again." It's blank, but he's saved from further ruining the chances of this whole event being dropped and brushed under the rug afterwards when Madam Pomfrey bustles in.

"Feeling okay, dear? Quite a fright I had, seeing those two carrying you in unconscious." She tuts, feeling his forehead and checking his eyes. Remus can't help but grin a little. Madam Pomfrey has become almost motherly, now, and she dotes on him when he's stuck in the wing the day following his transformations. He can't bring himself to hate it, not when she nurses him back to health each time and never says a word to anyone, giving the perfect excuses to anyone seeking him.

"I'm alright. I just...panicked, I think. Sorry to scare you." He answers, sitting up this time. "Really, though, nothing's wrong. I just couldn't breathe and I blacked out."

"What had you in such a tizzy?" She asked, concerned.

Remus, at this point having forgotten the presence of his friends entirely, shifted uncomfortably. "Um, someone may have...guessed about...the....thing..."

James's voice interrupts, and Remus jumps about a foot in the air when it does, earning three highly concerned glances and one mildly worried look. "What thing?"

"U-u-uhm, th-the th-th-thing w-where--" Remus stammers, saved by Pomfrey when she tuts loudly and smooths a hand over his hair. "None of that. Don't you get him worked up again, he just woke. Away with you all, you can return later." She shoos them out, shutting the door after refusing to take no for an answer.

Remus balls up on the bed, feeling guilty with the hurt and surprised expression Sirius had just flashed him.

"Now," Madam Pomfrey starts, sitting on the edge of the bed. "What do you mean 'someone guessed'?"

"These, um, these kids kind of guess what I...what I am. And I ran, and I bumped into James, and I fainted." Remus explains, staring at the sheets. "And...they won't tell, they promised not to tell, but...I was scared."

"You need to tell me the names of who guessed, dear." Madam Pomfrey instructed quietly. "I need to know who so we can talk with them."

Remus shook his head quickly. "No! If I tell you, and you talk to them, then they'll know for sure! A-and right now, they can't prove it, they can't even claim anything because I can just deny it! A-and, no one would even _believe_  them, s-so..."

She sighed. "Alright, but if there starts being rumors or anything of the sort, you need to tell me who started it, understand?"

He nodded quickly.

"Do your friends know?" She asked next, gentle.

He shook his head at that, taking a shaky breath.

"I think you might be able to tell them." She instructed slowly. "You need some support in this. You can't do it on your own, you're getting worse each month. At least if you have a trusted confident in the know, they can help you keep it a secret and keep you from stressing out so much. I spoke with Dumbledore about it and he agrees with me...Remus, I think it's time you told someone. If it doesn't work out, we'll take care of it, and it'll be like it never happened, okay?"

He takes in another shaky breath, and another, digesting. Telling them? But what if he loses them? Forever? He /can't/ do it alone, she's right, but... _telling them?_  "Why now?" He croaked.

"You're getting worse and worse each month, Remus. You're really starting to hurt yourself. I had to heal two broken ribs last month, you can't go on like this. The stress is too much and you're going to seriously injure yourself. At least if you have help, you won't be as panicked. Those boys have stuck with you since you met, and I haven't seen a stringer bond then the one between you and the Black boy in a long while." Her tone is soothing, and Remus swallows.

It takes him a good ten minutes to work through everything in his head, disbelief and the thought that this is an impossible dream slowly moving aside to make place for logic and reasoning, and he realizes she's right. He is getting worse. At the rate he's going, he won't make it to even his third year, let alone graduation. But he can't lose his friends. And who would want to be friends with a monster? "I'll think about it." He decided finally, sighing.

She nodded, standing. "Alright. Try to keep from stressing too much, and come see me if you feel sick again. I think you can go back to your friends, now."

He slid from the bed with a mumbled thanks, collecting his bag and slipping out the door. His head was spinning, trying to sort out what he would do, and he didn't know what would happen next, but he managed to swallow it all and put on a grin to join the others for the last meal of the day.

He was, without a doubt, not going to last much longer without some kind of break.

He just hoped it didn't kill him in the process.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting due to a rather lovely review that had me writing away today. Thank you so much! Feedback is, as always, wonderful to receive, and helps me figure out what I'm even doing here.   
> That being said, I'm changing up canon just a little in what is going down in Fifth Year and how that whole shebang with Sirius is playing out. I'm not going to say anything about it right now, but just know this doesn't strictly follow JK's gospel truth (homosexual relationship aside, of course).   
> I hope that brings a little more interest to this, and I'm looking forward to reactions and predictions (throw those at me, they help me pick what to do) and so on. This doesn't exactly follow the eighties timeline, either, it's kind of just very vague. I wasn't alive in the eighties and I'm not British, so slang is sort of...not really happening, sorry aha.


	7. Remus - Year Two, Part Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god I'm alive

As it turns out, it doesn't. 

Kill him, that is. 

The break. 

Sure, he's embarrassed as can be, but he's not dead. 

***

They're in Defense Against the Dark Arts and the students are discussing what to pick for the next topic, seeing as their current professor is a fun ex-Auror who lets them help decide what order he teaches the book in. 

Normally, this is fun, and Remus enjoys it. 

And he does, right up until the point when Snape raises his hand and oh-so-innocently asks if they can study werewolves this year. 

There's a small hush that quickly spreads through the whole classroom, and Remus stuffs his blanched face into his bag to search for a quill he doesn't own and avoid a giveaway that's like _Periculum._

There's certainly a interested hum that the professor talks over, inquiring why on earth they'd want such information early. 

Snape gives an answer about curiosity that Remus can't really hear over the buzzing of the panic in his ears. He can't remember how to really breathe, how to think, anything. He doesn't feel Sirius' nudging until the third or fourth try, and he swallows hard and focuses on masking his expression before lifting his head, keeping it low. 

James and Peter are in front of them, and Remus kind of hates the random way they'd come in and sat down because Sirius is way more perceptive than anyone gives him credit for and now Remus is internally panicking and hoping this isn't the end of their friendship because Sirius also has an inability to keep his mouth shut unless it's vital (and Remus has no idea where he ranks in Sirius' mind). 

Remus is also not paying near the amount of attention that he should to Snape and the professor, too preoccupied with not conspicuously passing out and falling out of his chair and wondering if there's a way that he can be discreet if he does. Probably not, even letting his face hit his desk is quite obvious. 

Then Sirius's hands grab his arm and tug him until he gets the message - both arms on the table, head resting on them, and if he does faint it's like he's sleeping. 

It takes a few moments for it to click that Sirius is not only aware that this subject bothers him, but that it is enough to set off what is now quite clearly an anxiety attack and that he has to keep it silent under any and all circumstances besides sudden worldwide acceptance of lycantrophy. 

Merlin, or any deity that he doesn't believe in, smite him now. 

***

He has absolutely no idea how he managed to make it through that hour without hyperventilating, and Sirius's hand on his arm almost absently might have had a large chunk of why (it was both calming and terrifying).

He all but forgets how to breathe when Sirius pulls him down the hall without a word, James and Peter too far to catch up in time when Sirius tugs him into a passage he didn't know existed behind an extremely shiny suit of armor. 

"So. When I think about it, it actually makes quite a bit of sense." Sirius starts conversationally, crossing his arms. 

Remus us about to collapse, legitimately and positively, and the only thing keeping him from doing so is that it is Sirius barely half a meter away in the narrow alcove they're standing in and his expression is calm and intrigued rather than angry or terrified or (Remus can barely handle the thought) disgusted. "W-what does?" He croaks, desperately clinging to the vain hope that this is something he can pass off as a misunderstanding. 

"You being a werewolf. Does it hurt?" The question is innocently curious, and he says it as simply as he had the first sentence. "You did a right job of hiding it, but the mum excuses were really only believable for first year, mate. You should have been a little more creative - cousin's wedding, Great Aunt Mildred's death, family owl in cardiac arrest...the options are practically limitless."

"Why are you not scared of me?" Remus asks (gasps.)

"Because...you're not scary?" Sirius replies, almost amused. "Hate to break it to you, but even your angry face is just kind of cute. You've still got, like, baby fat on your cheeks." He reaches out to poke one. 

Swallowing, Remus bats the hand away automatically. "I do not."

"Yeah, you do. But that's beside the point - does it hurt?"

Remus can feel the blush lighting his cheeks up in flames, mildly surprised he isn't seeing smoke. "Does what hurt?" It's a stupid tactic, feigning ignorance, but he's desperate. Sirius's expression tells him it's pointless before the words have even completely left his mouth. 

"I'll take that as a yes. That's bloody awful, mate. Anything I can do to help? James or Peter might have some ide--"

"No!" Remus snapped quickly, shaking his head hard and probably too fast. "No! You can't say anything!"

Sirius stares in confusion. "...Why? They're not going to hate you, you know. James and I have been trying to figure it out for months. Pete's not really all that interested since he's still bombing potions, but, yeah."

"Y-you _what?"_ Remus asks, again more of a croak. "Why? Why couldn't you just leave me be?" Ah, there it is. There's the anxiety and panic. 

"I...are you okay?" Sirius reaches out, fingers centimeters from Remus's arm. 

This is, of course, where everything goes black. 

***

He wakes up to voices.

They're muddled and too loud, but he can recognize James and Sirius and even Peter's tenor. It's somewhat comforting, at least until he remembers the reason for his collapse and sits up too sharply, head spinning and spots flaring up in his vision, breath a gasp. 

Silence, and hands on his shoulders. 

"Remus?" Sirius asks quietly, and Remus can finally see him properly after like the eighth blink. 

"M'fine, did you, did you--??" He shifts closer desperately, not even noticing, not thinking to reign himself in as he always does and the movement is animalistic, threatening. 

Sirius doesn't even blink. "Nope."

He relaxes a little, then, finally glancing around. He's on his bed, James and Peter on Peter's, which is next to Remus'. Both are sporting concerned, confused expressions, and Remus offers a weak grin. He has no idea was Sirius said to them, now, and so he keeps his mouth shut. 

"Told you he's fine. Just didn't eat enough this morning is all." Sirius says conversationally, patting Remus' shoulder once and letting his hand fall. Remus nods along in what he hopes is an agreeable manner, and James and Peter seem to buy it. 

He's safe, for now. He just needs to figure out what to do about the Serious Sirius Problem. 

(Even Sirius himself makes the puns, you can't expect Remus to resist, especially when it's such a good opportunity.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO SORRY I'M SUCH A SHIT UPDATER OOPS. So, basically, college? And I moved? And I forgot? Mainly, though, I stopped using the app I was writing this on in exchange for Google Docs, and have fINALLY moved it into docs, so hopefully I'll be able to get some kind of decent update up soon. 
> 
> Please predict things or send me headcanons or whatever because as I've mentioned before my plans for this are vague as hell and your ideas may very well be woven into the mysterious (read: nonexistent) plot that I word vomit onto my iPad's keyboard. 
> 
> Awesome, thanks :D (please don't kill me if i don't update for another eight weeks but spam the hell out of me instead so I don't forget about this)  
> \---  
> 4/2/15 edit: Yeah, I'm not even gonna lie, I ran out of ideas and I'm not sure where I'm going with this. Hiatus until inspiration hits, likely, but by all means please tell me what you'd like to see happen and any headcanons or theories you have! I'm sorry, guys, I'm trash with fics, I've finally managed to find one that I've been consistently working on, so. (oh god it's not this one pls don't hate me)
> 
> I CAN'T BELIEVE NONE OF YOU TOLD ME I SPELLED SO MUCH WRONG //cries forever


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